Barnard Student with Imposter Syndrome Realizes She’s Two Raccoons in a Trench Coat

Artwork by Katherine Chen

SULZBERGER HALL—“Everyone seems so smart and put together at Columbia, it can be kind of intimidating,” shared Margo Tourniquet, BC‘22. “I’ve always felt like I’m a fraud, you know? And that one day, everyone will find out what I really am.”

That day recently came to fruition following the Federalist’s discovery that Margo is in fact two raccoons in a trench coat. In an exclusive interview with the Federalist, Margo shared that she first became aware of this when her friends noticed her eating garbage.

“At first I thought it was odd that she’d go to John Jay to eat, when the food’s much better on this side of Broadway,” said Margo’s roommate, Prudence Yao, BC‘22. “But when I saw her chomping on a Nature Valley wrapper in the middle of the night, it clicked. Margo is totally two raccoons in a trench coat ”

Margo’s father, Terry Tourniquet, submitted an anonymous tip to the Federalist that Margo’s eyeliner is very poorly applied and is “often dark and smudgy, similar to a raccoon, potentially one that’s standing on another raccoons shoulders as they are wearing a trench coat.” It should be noted, as well, that Margo, similarly to a raccoon, has opposable thumbs.

Procyon lotor, colloquially known as the common raccoon, had never previously been represented in the student body at Barnard College. Margo told a Federalist reporter that following this discovery, she—two raccoons wearing a trench coat—is no longer worried about whether she belongs:

“Sure, I’m two raccoons in a trench coat, but gosh darn it, I deserve to be here!”