SULZBERGER HALL—“Everyone seems so smart and put together at Columbia, it can be kind of intimidating,” shared Margo Tourniquet, BC‘22. “I’ve always felt like I’m a fraud, you know? And that one day, everyone will find out what I really am.”
That day recently came to fruition following the Federalist’s discovery that Margo is in fact two raccoons in a trench coat. In an exclusive interview with the Federalist, Margo shared that she first became aware of this when her friends noticed her eating garbage.
“At first I thought it was odd that she’d go to John Jay to eat, when the food’s much better on this side of Broadway,” said Margo’s roommate, Prudence Yao, BC‘22. “But when I saw her chomping on a Nature Valley wrapper in the middle of the night, it clicked. Margo is totally two raccoons in a trench coat ”
Margo’s father, Terry Tourniquet, submitted an anonymous tip to the Federalist that Margo’s eyeliner is very poorly applied and is “often dark and smudgy, similar to a raccoon, potentially one that’s standing on another raccoons shoulders as they are wearing a trench coat.” It should be noted, as well, that Margo, similarly to a raccoon, has opposable thumbs.
Procyon lotor, colloquially known as the common raccoon, had never previously been represented in the student body at Barnard College. Margo told a Federalist reporter that following this discovery, she—two raccoons wearing a trench coat—is no longer worried about whether she belongs:
“Sure, I’m two raccoons in a trench coat, but gosh darn it, I deserve to be here!”