Sources close to the debate lord community on Twitch have confirmed with Federalist staff that Barron Trump debated Robert Biden II at 6 P.M. tonight on a small time debate streamers discord. As of press time, we cannot confirm which one it was, but by the laws of probability, we can confirm that the streamer was white, has a shitty beard, and is streaming Among Us screaming at nine other people between debates.
Both presidential progeny had their webcams on, and it was clear who had shelled out cash for his streaming setup. Barron was decked out with two softbox lights, an IMAX camera, DX racer chair (with pillow attachment), and a bedroom so gaudy viewers thought it was a fake Zoom background. He, being 14, is in the green jacket, slicked hair, Adidas, and gold chain phase.
Hunter’s gaming nest was less baroque, yet still haughty in the family tradition. Hunter reclined in a slightly worn Herman Miller chair (in what was clearly Joe Biden’s home office) using campaign equipment to stream. “I’m staying over at my grandpa’s, but he just stays in the basement except for when grandma brings him out for food since I came from the outside”, Hunter said to assuage fears that Joe would pop on screen and crack viewers’ speakers with a “WHAT’S THAT TWITCHY THING. HOW DO I GET A TIER 3 SUB MAC, I WANT IT WITH EXTRA MAYO.”
A diverse range of questions were fielded by the streamers’ tireless unpaid moderators, such as “Energy drink preferences,” “Best FPS Esports scene,” and “Is U.S. democracy a bourgeois fraud, and should the state be smashed?” The answers were as substantive as one could hope from the the 14 year old children of two failed investors: “I don’t drink caffeine, but there’s powder by Grandpa’s desk I’m not supposed to eat that I did once, it made me feel funny” vs. “Two 5 Hour Energy shots poured into a Monster can, I call it the DP,” “Fortnite” vs “Cyka Blyat,” and “My grandpa has the most progressive platform in US history” vs “I smash your mom’s state everyday bro.”
Truly a remarkable spectacle. The Federalist looks forward to next week’s Hunter Biden vs. Donald Trump Jr. debate, in which Hunter has said he will put a loaded gun in Jr.’s hand pointed at his head and yell “DO IT” for 90 minutes.
