MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS–Defying Governor Cuomo’s orders to stay indoors for all but essential reasons, President Bollinger left his house on Morningside Drive yesterday morning wearing nothing but a Gucci cowboy hat on his head and a pair of Crocs on his feet. His neighbor (and casual stalker) Dean Valentini initially assumed that he was out for a jog, which is permitted under the current lockdown, but was happily surprised when he saw Bollinger stark naked with a smile up to his ears.
“I have lived next to that man for years and I have never seen him look so happy. He didn’t even look this delighted when he tore down any hopes of a Graduate Student Union strike last year or when he bought himself that Lamborghini,” Dean Valentini cooed while drooling over a picture he had taken moments before of Bollinger’s chiseled physique. “I mean, come on! Look at that 8 pack, those epic thighs, those titanic biceps! Oh, my Bo is more shredded than the Thinker in front of Kent!” he added, completely unprompted.
In security footage provided to the Federalist by patron saint James McShane, Bollinger can be seen jumping the fence surrounding Butler lawns, cranking She Wolf by Shakira on a portable speaker, and dancing commando in strange, alien rhythms across the lawns. During one moment particularly erotic moment, he climbs on top of Alma Mater and declares himself “the Simba of this savannah,” commanding imagined animals to “worship [him] in his full naked glory!” Dean Valentini can be seen peering out from behind a nearby bush, eyes widened in ecstasy.
After several hours, Bollinger concluded his dancing frenzy by rolling around on the grass and soaking his pale body in the sunlight. And why shouldn’t he? After all, when else will he have an opportunity to get such a nice, even tan all over his body?