MEL’S BURGER AND BAR—Representatives from Mel’s confirmed Saturday evening that they have terminated the tenure of their long-time bouncer, Manny Bouncerman IV.
A spokesman from Mel’s explained that reading Columbia IDs is not consistent with the bar’s mission. This high-level employee reached out on the condition of anonymity, and she elaborated that, “Reading is not a job qualification at Mel’s. In fact, we redirect anyone who wants to read over to that boardgame bar. Here, It’s all about the feel and texture of the card. The plastic has to feel right in your fingers. When you know this is not a legitimate ID, it’s time to let them inside. None of that reading bullshit.”
Signs that Bouncerman was in-fact literate began to pop up a few weeks ago. He ordered a spiked milkshake by referring to the listing on the menu, and not by belligerently pointing towards the bar and then his mouth. At first, management brought Bouncerman a White Russian because they thought he just saw words alcohol and milk and didn’t think he was advanced enough to understand verbs (i.e. shake). While this instance may have simply demonstrated knowledge of the concept of milk, Bouncerman’s literacy continued to cause problems. Management grew even more concerned when he started to describe the flavor profiles of different craft beers using words like “musky” and “botanical.”
A Mel’s manager disclosed that Bouncerman came into her office, asking why he had been stiffed on last week’s paycheck. Shocked, the manger questioned how became aware of his proper salary. Bouncerman replied, confusedly, that he reads his paycheck on his own. The manager went on to confess that: “I realized I would have to fire my favorite bouncer”. When further questioned about her hiring practices, the Mel’s manager said: “There is no I in team, and no READ in bouncer.”
Columbia Federalist reporters interviewed Bouncerman to learn more about the incident. “I represent a lineage of bouncers,” he said, “It’s in my blood. I am absolutely crestfallen and initially, I was unsure what I would do next.” With Bouncerman’s literacy comes the troubling acquisition of a moral compass.
This led to a domino effect of surprising developments in Bouncerman’s psyche. Bouncerman expressed his deep concern about binge drinking on campus, shouting to Federalist reporters that “one in five students will be CAVA’d by the end of their freshman year” while demanding that this trend must be put to an “unequivocal” end.
When asked for a comment, a rep from Mel’s Burger and Bar declined to do so, scoffed, then quickly added “Don’t forget to include our motto: if it’s thin let ‘em in!”
The bouncer has now been sent to a re-education program and we have received multiple letters from him that have declined in readability. More to come as the story develops. . . .