Op-Ed: The Gays Ruined Rainbows


Y’all remember when rainbows were for finding pots of gold?

I do.

Those were simpler times, better times, times full of whimsy. Not like today. Today, I don’t even know what rainbows are for. LGBTQWERTY – where does it end? Not with leprechaun gold; that much I know.

You see, The Gays are an insatiable lot. It wasn’t enough for them to be able to walk around in public, holding hands all willy-nilly. It wasn’t enough for them to be treated like honest to golly “human beings” by the good people of America, who fear the power of our Lord Jeebus -praise be he. No, they just had to go and take our rainbows – as if they belonged to them in the first place.

And I’ll tell you what: that Roy G. Biv was no buttmuncher; no he was not! He was a colorful man, but Mr. Biv liked the ladies. Though to hear The Gays talk about their precious “equal rights” and “living in peace and safety,” you would think that the “G” in Roy’s name stands for “Gay.” Which is bullshit because everybody knows it stands for “Green.”

The aforementioned should be obvious to us all, but the bigger question – the one that keeps me up at night – is thusly: what does the cultural appropriation by a sexual orientation of ALL OF THE COLORS say about our society at large? In other words: are you ok with The Gays owning the entire visible spectrum of light? I’m not, and you shouldn’t be either. Because rainbows are created by leprechauns – bearded, swarthy, thic with three c’s Leprechauns – for *all of us* to follow.

These leprechauns, with their stylish top-hats and those slick matching buckles on their shiny shoes, call to us all – not just The Gays. The hypocrisy here is a palpable one, for if The Gays wish for, as they say, “equality,” then why do they get sole ownership of the rainbow? The reason is simple: The Gays want all the leprechaun gold for themselves. I invite you to convince me otherwise.

Now, the sordid truth of the matter is that this is a hornswoggle, pure and simple. These Gays think they can have those green-eyed, gorgeous leprechauns all to themselves? Not a chance. Because leprechauns, with their adorable button-noses and their thick, rippling, tree-trunk thighs, are to be appreciated by all.

Do not allow The Gays to expand their monopoly on rainbows. Do not permit The Gays to hoard all of those sweet, scrumptious, sex-on-wheels leprechauns in their secret harems. Stand up for yourselves and fight back – for this is the only way we can right these egregious wrongs.

As for me, I just hope we can get back to the time where rainbows lead to pots of gold. And I’ll tell you this: when I get to the end of that rainbow, and when I find that pot of gold, I’m gonna munch the living shit out of that hawt Leprechaun butt.