Formerly Politically Oppressed Student from Mississippi Breaks Fingers after Snapping too Much

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STEPS OF LOW LIBRARY — It is no secret that Columbia’s student body is left-leaning, and this fact may put off some students from the South. However, native Mississippian Emmett Thorpe CC’22 has never been more excited to be in a progressive environment. In his conservative hometown of Vicksburg, Mississippi, Thorpe was always the odd liberal out.

“People used to shove me into lockers for espousing basic ideals of equality and human rights. Nobody wanted to hear my thoughts on climate change or my treatises on social justice. And Free Palestine? Forget it,” said Thorpe.

“Columbia is the first place where I’ve been free to express my views. The system of snapping loudly in agreement with other people’s radical statements? Genius. The only problem is that I agree so much with every other progressive at this school that I have to snap every thirty seconds. I developed carpal tunnel a month into University Writing: Gender and Sexuality Studies.”

Thorpe’s fingers finally gave out, breaking last week in the middle of ADP Open Mic Night. Doctors speculate that significant damage was also incurred during his favorite class, Literature and Intersectional Feminism.

Thorpe’s case is just the latest in a string of snapping-related ailments on Columbia’s campus. Just last week, seven students were hauled out of a poetry slam on stretchers after breaking their fingers during a particularly moving poem about immigration.