WIEN HALL–On Sunday, Steve Zuckler CC ’20 made his annual bold prediction: “You know what, guys? This is gonna be my year.”
Unfortunately, investigative journalists at the Federalist have determined that this will not, in fact, be Zuckler’s year.
Evidence for another poor annual performance for Zuckler includes the presence of multiple finished bags of Kirkland potato chips under his bed, a lack of clean underwear for the past two weeks, and a grape jolly rancher stuck to his buttocks. As of the time of publication, Zuckler also has 12 missed calls from his CPS counselor.
In reality, just as last year and the year before, the 2018-2019 school year will not be coming up Steve at all. In fact, Steve should expect a bad case of mono in November and a particularly soul-crushing heartbreak in February. He will also be transferring from CC to SEAS toward the end of the semester after switching majors from literature to mechanical engineering to finally financial engineering.
“The stars have aligned for an epic constellation of S-T-E-V,” said Zuckler, who momentarily forgot how to spell his own first name.
In preparation for the Year of Steve, Zuckler has been joining dozens of club listservs and planning a consistent laundry schedule for the upcoming months.
“I’ve been hitting the gym, putting myself out there socially, and overall trying to be a more well-rounded person,” said the man who within three months will be sitting alone in a dark room, masturbating with Vaseline and eating Marshmallow Fluff, and vice versa.
“I could not be prouder of my little Robert…,” said Diana Zuckler, mother of Steve and his two brothers. “Oh wait, you mean Stevie? Oh, yeah, he’s a good kid. The world needs some followers.”