MILANO MARKET — In a swift restructuring movement initiated by upper management, Milano Market has terminated the contract of one of its sandwich makers, effective immediately, for failing to adhere to the grocer’s strict policy regarding upper-head hair.
Opting to preserve the former employee’s anonymity, Milano spokeswoman Carmen Tafford addressed the restructuring decision at a press conference late yesterday evening, describing it as a “necessary and unfortunate correction of managerial oversight.” The termination in question took place after a hair bearing sandwich maker was mistakenly hired just days prior, having only been seen by Milano’s staff while wearing a Met’s baseball cap.
“The tradition of shiny-headed baldness among our sandwich makers is a long and storied one at Milano Market,” explained Tafford, “The degree to which we feel we have failed ourselves, our forebearers, and our customers in this mistake cannot be overstated. We only hope that we can move past this misstep and continue to provide the Morningside Heights community with quality sandwiches crafted by only the most bare headed of sandwichiers.”
Milano Market maintains that it is an equal opportunity employer, but simply insists upon certain aesthetic guidelines for its employees, much like “that Abercrombie and Fitch guy who wouldn’t hire ugly people.”
At press time, a newly reinvigorated Milano’s sandwich team could be seen microwaving raviolis and slicing deli meats, wide smiles plastered on entirely hairless heads.