Furnald Sophomore Excited for Second Year of No Friends


As the academic year begins and returning students fall back into the same comfortable, yet toxic friendships, Furnald resident Bruce Portnoy, CC ‘20, has expressed nothing but wild optimism about his own return to the crushing, god-forsaken grip of loneliness.

Already falling into a daily routine of 4 stress meals brought back to his room from Ferris, Portnoy has fully embraced an existence stripped of any enjoyment, spending hours upon hours in his room, loudly wishing those in the Floor Lounge “would just stop it.”

Portnoy has stated that his only concern going forward will be the coming months of overly stimulating salutations sourly delivered in passing between  hallways and bathrooms. “God forbid I develop any actual relationships this year,” Portnoy explained. “That’s the last thing I need.”

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