Bollinger to Manhattanville: “You’re Welcome”

LOW LIBRARY – In a recent statement regarding the university’s expansion into Manhattanville, President Bollinger had two words to say: “You’re welcome.” When asked to elaborate on this statement, Bollinger became impatient.

“Look, complain about gentrification all you want, but the fact remains the same: the neighborhood’s an eyesore,” Bollinger said. “Jesus, let’s at least toss a few Starbucks in there. Like it says on our website, this campus will provide innovative spaces for teaching and the shared human experiences of a city defined by openness and diversity, as long as you’re able to afford our $70k/year price tag.”

Tired of the Manhattanville controversy, Bollinger is reportedly planning the next campus expansion on pre-gentrified space in East Harlem. Still, he is unapologetic about the Manhattanville campus’ impact on the surrounding area: “Those residents will be thanking us once they’ve tasted their first salad from Sweetgreen.”

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