Columbia Football Player Disappointed to Find Out He Was Admitted for His Grades


Sitting in the locker room after practice Monday night, freshman tight-end Kevin Robertson let out a long sigh. “I ran into my admissions officer the other day,” Robertson explained, “and I asked  to see my application packet. I was excited at the get go, thinking I’d get to see all the notes from the recruiters on why they picked me for the team. But there was none of that. Turns out, the football recruiters didn’t give a damn who they picked. It was basically a karaoke night situation—anyone who wanted to try it out could pretty much just sign up.”

Robertson paused to take a drink from his Gatorade water bottle, still full from before practice. “Instead, the admissions team wrote that my strong SAT scores, high GPA and extensive extra-curriculars made me a fine candidate for Columbia College. Can you believe it? It’s like I just snuck onto the team through the back door. I didn’t have to go through the same grueling process of playing with a competitive high school football team that other college players endure—I just got a free pass! God, I feel like such a poser.”

Robertson is planning a double-major in political science and the classics. He recently received a 98% on his Lit Hum exam, for which he studied on the bus ride back from a game against Princeton, which the Lions lost 48–13.