Columbia Wrestlers to Become White House Interns

Shortly after his election, Donald Trump has been faced with a series of highly consequential decisions—namely, selecting the members of his cabinet from the group of skilled, highly qualified, and definitely not desperate individuals who ran his campaign.

Undoubtedly, this process is rife with difficult choices as Trump strives to create a staff that reflects the current American spirit. Seeking to gain insight into this process, the Federalist drew on its steak industry connections to reach out to Trump to hear a bit about his decision-making methods:

“We talked to many people, many great people.  People with the best backgrounds, believe me. We’ll really make America great with these folks, fine folks I might add.”

Trump added that he was excited about the breadth of his staffing prospects so far, which feature racist white men from Virginia, Wisconsin, Indiana, and perhaps even Pennsylvania.

With Steve Bannon already cashing in the anti-Semitic vote, Trump told sources that the rest of his staff will be “diverse, very very diverse.” The President-elect plans on incorporating people with animosity towards a myriad of other groups—from Muslims to fetuses to people who can form sentences besides ‘Lock her up’ and ‘Build A Wall’.” He added that he was considering shaking things up with an extreme, radically leftist, and forward decision—giving a small modicum of power to a racist white lady from Alaska.

But Trump’s ultimate nod to diversity will involve bringing forth marginalized and underrepresented individuals from the Ivy League campus elite.  Hearing of the Columbia University Wrestling Team’s outstanding “locker room talk” and social media presence, Trump knew these suppressed and underappreciated athletes would be a perfect fit for his administration.

Impressed by their GroupMe writing samples, which brilliantly used creative rhetoric to elevate his beloved phrase “nasty women” to the level of “ugly socially awkward cunts”, and wowed by their masterful utilization of technology to disseminate intolerance, Trump plans to first use the team as media consultants. The Columbia students might even help expand his vocabulary beyond “yuge” and “nasty” and expand his platform, which currently consists of a frog meme and a 140-character twitter rant.

“Something about those boys just says: America, the America that used to be great and the America that won in this election. You know, they’re going to have all the plans. So good you wouldn’t believe how good. We’re going to do great work here.”  

Many Trumpian conservatives, including Rudy Giuliani and Chris Christie, still vying for Cabinet positions, expressed hope that the youths, who went 9-7 last year, would help Trump deliver on his campaign’s promises of making America great again.