Columbia Will Replace Diplomas With Eviction Notices


HAMILTON HALL – Framing custom-ordered eviction notices, Columbia College Dean James Valentini was enthusiastic about ceasing to issue diplomas to graduates.  “Diplomas are useless,” Valentini asserted.  “At best, they get hung up in the back of a dentist’s office or something.  I mean, really – I always tell Dr. Epstein to put up a nice watercolor or a Dave Matthews poster instead.”

After digesting lengthy reports from both the Committee on Diploma Distribution and the Committee on the Distribution of Diplomas, the deepest bowels of the Columbia administration decided to replace diplomas with eviction notices this semester.  The shrewd organization forecasts that the move will help it better serve its somewhat educational profit-maximizing mission. Traditional honors, however, will remain in place: Columbia’s highest-paying tenants will be considered for ‘cum laude’ distinction.

“When we hand you your eviction notice on Class Day in front of all your family and friends, it might seem like a momentous occasion,” said Jill Harmon, Executive Director of Columbia Housing. “But honestly, finding a new place isn’t that big of a change anyways.  We’re just asking you to divert your $60,000 per year towards rent.”

The diploma announcement comes on the heels of Thursday’s report that Columbia intends to replace acceptance letters with preemptive tuition bills.