Part I of the Federalist’s Raw Finals Survival Guide.
Here are some guidelines for peaceful shitting.
Rule 1: When you walk in, if you see someone’s feet under the stalls and no one else there, chances are they are trying to poop in peace. So be respectful and go somewhere else.
Rule 2: If there is no one, lucky you! Proceed and enjoy!
Rule 3: If, by chance, you have not followed Rule 1 and are already crowning, then you are in a very awkward dilemma we like to call the “Stand off.”
The first part of the stand off is to assess who was there first. If you are the OP (Original Pooper) then you have right of way. The person next to you must forfeit their right to poop and leave. The waiting game starts. Who will be the first to forfeit? Who is deeper in this shit? Who just ate a Ferris pasta bowl? Yeah, blondie, we looking at you. For those cocoa pebbles, you can go somewhere else. Let the real poopers talk.
Some among you might be brave enough to say, ‘fuck it’ and let loose. We salute you, you brave soul. If you are the other person in the bathroom in this situation, the correct way to proceed is to wait for the person to leave before coming out of your own stall. Does it count if you have never seen each other? Did that mysterious flowered Vans girl just really take a massive dump with me there? Or was that just a mirage and projection of my own fantasy? Make sure to take note of her shoes, though, so you can spot her in 209 later.
The stand off can be quite painful sometimes (i.e. post-JJs when you just can’t hold it in any more.) The only advice we have for you is “Power Through!” This shit determines your power on this campus. You don’t want to be known as the faker, the girl who couldn’t keep her shit together (literally).
During the standoff: It may be hard to keep yourself busy during the standoff because the second floor bathroom is a wifi dead zone. While your instagram is frozen, entertain yourself by counting the tiles on the floor. The pattern changes every so often. Read the flyer on the door a few times and make a mental note to go to whatever event it is advertising. Save that number of the Nightline, since you know you are gonna need it for the Post Poo Traumatic Stress Disorder. (PPTSD)
Make sure to drink water so you don’t get dysentery or dehydration.
Now that we’ve written out the proper etiquette, it is your job to enforce it.
Peace, love, deuces,
Jailey and Trash
