SHRINE TO RONALD REAGAN, HOUSTON, TX – Announcing the end of his campaign on Tuesday, Ted Cruz explained that the decision would allow him to spend less time with his wife and two daughters. “After essentially enduring a six-month family road trip, you can imagine how much we all hate each other,” said the Texas senator, who has been trotting his family out at campaign events across the country. “Most people are driven to tears by the mere thought of spending eight hours trapped in a car with their family. Luckily, my reptilian face is incapable of crying. But try a fifteen hundred hour family car trip – with Carly Fiorina, no less. The only thing more frustrating than 180 claustrophobic days with your carsick daughters is ten minutes of Carly’s voice, which inspired HP customer service representatives worldwide.”
In less important news, John Kasich has also dropped out of the race to remind everyone that he was running for president.