Op-Ed: Life is Easier Now That I’ve Learned There Are Just Two Types of People

I used to think that human beings are complex creatures. But when I took The Science of Psychology, I learned that there are only two types of people. Now I can sleep at night.

I always felt very uneasy because I thought I was surrounded by diverse creatures with different motivations, and values, and preferences for pizza toppings. I took The Science of Psychology, mostly to tiptoe around the science requirement but also because someone told me it was good for business negotiations and maybe getting laid and also I think the Mentalist is a pretty cool show. I learned in my class that every human being is either an introvert or an extravert, so now I feel a lot better about the world.

I thought that sometimes people liked being alone and sometimes they liked being with others, but now I realize that every person either likes being with others or hates it and there is no in between. For example, last weekend I felt like I needed some alone time because I am an introvert and next thing I know my lips were blue from dehydration because I hadn’t left my room in seven days, not even to get water. And that’s evidence for me being an introvert.

But my sister Erin is in a sorority and as we know everyone in Greek life is the same (they are all extraverts) so she likes being around others. She hasn’t been alone in her entire life, which makes going to the bathroom quite interesting. For example, one time she asked someone to come to the bathroom stall with her and they were flattered because they thought it meant they were close friends but actually my sister is just the type of person called extravert so she never likes to be alone. And that’s evidence for her being an extravert.

Two more things that comfort me about human beings that I learned in Science of Psychology are as follows:

  1. Everyone either likes boys or girls and bisexuals don’t exist which is a relief because that could mean that there are more than two kinds of people

  2. There are good people and bad people and that’s that. For example, I thought Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was a good person because of civil rights but then I saw the movie Selma and in it he has an affair so I realized he is actually in the group called bad people

In conclusion, there are only two types of people. QED