Student Protesters Demand End to Problematic Stuff

Columbia University’s College Walk, usually calm during the winter recess, was host to several unusually well attended and remarkably vague acts of civil disobedience since the beginning of January.

Columbia Undergraduate student and protest organizer Doris Chapman commented, “Look, all I know is that I’m definitely offended by something. We’ll work out the details later, for now we need action.” She added, “Idk, we need to demand that Columbia set up a safe space or some shit like that.”

“Doris is really inspiring,” said one attendee, reflecting on the most recent protest. “She was just like talking and then we all chanted: ‘Down with all this shit!’  We’re sparking serious discourse about the problems that may or may not plague our campus.”

Although activists seem to have neither a coherent course of action nor any specific demands, the uproar has been insatiable.

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Friday’s protest saw Barnard College President Debora Spar burned in effigy, and police were dispatched to deal with a group of protesters attempting to tip over Low Library amidst confused cries of “Justice!” and “This is problematic!”

Additionally, as many as 15 separate acapella groups have announced plans to perform a showcase of punk rock covers in an effort to call “attention or something to, like, systemic oppression.”

“It’s going to be crazy!” said Tran Nguyen, beatboxer for the campus group Silenced Voicez. “We need to stand up for whatever it is that we’re all so worked up about.” Adding, “By the way, you know about anybody that’s being oppressed right now?”

When asked to comment on the protests, unwearily, the Columbia administration stated: “It’s good for students to voice their concerns… Understanding and addressing these types of social issues is an integral part of the College experience, and when these protesters determine exactly what it is they are clamoring for, they can rest assured that we will be prepared to ignore it.”