Columbia Says No to Hunger and Tiredness


Among the changes to the University Student Policy this semester, the most noticeable may be the eradication of hunger and tiredness for students. In an attempt to make the school environment more conducive to friendly interaction and less stressful, it is now against school policy for students to be hungry or tired.

    “We really felt as though fatigue and hunger were the two main factors inhibiting our students’ success, so why not just get rid of them?” said one board member. “The way we implement the policy is unlike most other procedures, in that it is simple. We just take students who are hungry and tired, and we tell them to stop.”

One suggestion to aid in the fight against fatigue  was to have all students carry their mattresses with them everywhere they went, leaving them ready for  a nap at a moment’s notice. Prezbo, however, has yet to formally acknowledge this idea. Additionally, professors now feel more comfortable assigning an increased workload, because they know students will never be tired or hungry again.

    Another project currently in the test stage is the idea of sleep swipes. This would put all students on a sleep plan, which would mandate when students can sleep, for how long, and with what frequency they can take naps. While moderately successful so far, male Columbia students have been surprisingly generous with their swipes, especially with Barnard students.

    Unsurprisingly, a movement has arisen advocating for students’ right to be tired and hungry. “Hunger and tiredness are choices that we, as empowered human beings, can make for ourselves. I refuse to allow my basic human rights to be infringed upon,” said a leader of the newly formed activist group called We’re Tired and Famished, or WTF.

    However WTF may have hit a roadblock with the backfire of their most recent strategy of sleeping through breakfast. While they are hungry from missing breakfast, the extra sleep has made them less tired. Their hunger strike last week also proved ineffective.

    The new policy also presents students with chances to become even more active on campus. “I heard one girl’s stomach growl on my way to class, so I called CAVA just to be safe. I would hate to see anyone go hungry while I innocently stood by” said one student as she walked by a homeless man without stopping.