Cracks in “Brand New Steve” Already Beginning to Show




After a dismal spring semester (two B’s) and a summer of serious beachside self-examination, sophomore Steven Mendoza had reportedly resolved that this semester would be different. He promised to turn over a new leaf, apply himself and work diligently this fall semester. For the first two weeks, this new attitude seemed promising. Roommate Joshua Cohen noted the change, stating “he really seemed ready to tackle the semester head-on, always showing up early – even for his 8:40s.”

Two weeks into the semester, however, Steven decided to just skim a reading for his Econ lecture, reportedly saying, “I’ve got other work to do, and he’ll probably cover the same material during lecture anyways.” This seemingly innocuous skirting of responsibility seems to have kicked of a series of potentially catastrophic fissures in Steven’s new routine. One classmate, who wished to remain anonymous, recalled, “yeah, he showed up a couple minutes late for class, I guess.” Reports have begun to emerge of sparse annotations, poorly edited papers, and half-hearted problem sets, which he claimed, “only counts for 5% of the final grade anyways.”

Steven insists, “this week just had a lot of work, I didn’t have time to get everything done. Next week we’ll be back on track.” However, experts believe that at this rate, a full-blown meltdown may be on the horizon. Some estimates predict that within a mere 2-3 weeks, it will be possible to observe Steve glossing over Sparknotes instead of actually doing assigned readings, consulting a friend on how to solve that especially tough problem, and even missing the occasional class. While his parents could not be reached for comment (working 70+ hours a week to pay Columbia’s tuition), one aghast Microeconomics professor said “Whatever, everyone gets a B+ anyways.”