Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.

Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts, touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to Columbia Health Services to make an appointment as soon as possible.

5. Bear Grylls

Pros: Very knowledgeable about surviving in uninhabitable environments, very applicable to NYC
Cons: Bold, but not beautiful

Bezos summoned another worker to kiss his booboo better, and after the worker soothed his ankle with sana sana culita de rana, Bezos was ready to continue the next few steps to leave his throne.

Cornell – To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the tree-fuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . .

The singer wrote, “I’m in the studio working on something special after today’s assault on democracy.” As this terrorist schemes up “something special,” D.C. residents are preparing for the worst.