When asked by Federalist reporters about her dedication to clean eating, Woods replied, “My body is a temple. It’s important to respect it by avoiding harmful products.” She then whipped out a Whole Foods gift card, used it to cut voluptuous lines of the finest Colombian cocaine, and snorted so powerfully it sounded like an AMBER Alert.
Looking for the shortest possible commute? Carlton Arms, a little-known dorm sitting neatly between Hartley and Wallach, is beloved by Columbia students for its convenient location! Do note that looking up “Carlton Arms” on Google Maps will take you to another apartment building of the same name half a mile away from campus.
When Jerry and Kramer switch rooms, it causes a whole bunch of trouble for the gang! But this trouble still isn’t anywhere close to the lifelike robots that rebel against their creators in Westworld!
Resident Girl in Red fan reports, “At first I thought my gaydar might be off and she was actually just straight, but then I saw her Chai Iced Latte. I mean, no straight woman EVER orders a Chai Iced Latte.”
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Dearest Lonely Lovers and Lovely Loners,
We at The Fed are delighted to hail in the new(ish) year with our Valentine’s issue of 2021, bringing you tales of triumph and defeat in the romantic arena—from Dr. Jill Biden’s sexual prowess to first years poring over Pride and Prejudice for the slightest chance of a tingle.
Trump’s inability to take on the Hazing in 2017, after Obama joined the Accords in 2016, previously cost the US membership. Sources have relayed that he proved himself to be “a bit of a lightweight” and “an overall wuss”.
Cruz, a notable Zodiac Killer impersonator who is a little too good at his job, told Federalist reporters he had a really really good reason for his vacation. (Our reporters would have written it down if they weren’t stressing about how Cruz was probably going to make a skin suit out of them.)
Econ-cardio atrophius: Nearly all of Columbia’s econ majors suffer from this devastating condition wherein the act of consistently subordinating the needs of society to personal wealth causes the heart to atrophy. Common side effects include altered mental status associated with monetary obsession, frequent use of the phrase “devil’s advocate,” and a visceral reaction to images of Senator Bernie Sanders.
After pleading with Eric for insight on his difficult courseload, he gave in, emphasizing his charitability in “advising plebeians.” With vigor in his eyes, he revealed, “I haven’t slept in three days, this is my twelfth cup of coffee, and I spent $300 on various amphetamines this week.”
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Common symptoms are living vicariously through Instagram posts, touch deprivation, lucid dreaming about a life without your blue light glasses, and crying. If you find yourself experiencing these, please reach out to Columbia Health Services to make an appointment as soon as possible.
5. Bear Grylls
Pros: Very knowledgeable about surviving in uninhabitable environments, very applicable to NYC
Cons: Bold, but not beautiful
Bezos summoned another worker to kiss his booboo better, and after the worker soothed his ankle with sana sana culita de rana, Bezos was ready to continue the next few steps to leave his throne.
Cornell – To no one’s surprise, Cornell’s place in the tree-fuck club is a little bit . . . artificial. You know those pine-shaped air fresheners? Yeah . .
“Fuck, man. My lactose intolerance is who I am. I don’t know what I am without it. What am I gonna use as an ice-breaker? What am I gonna use as one of my truths in two truths and a lie? I already have a lie (that my mom didn’t bribe the coach of the Synchronized Diving Team to get me recruited).”
In a bid to encourage safe and healthy interactions on campus, Columbia is rolling out a new program under the #KeepTheCompact umbrella that will promote covid-19 secure intercourse, called #KinkyForTheCommunity.
The singer wrote, “I’m in the studio working on something special after today’s assault on democracy.” As this terrorist schemes up “something special,” D.C. residents are preparing for the worst.
3. Donald Duck canceled for flashing on live television.
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