“Nah, I Should Get A Good Night’s Sleep for Tomorrow,” Says Student Skipping Party Where He Would Have Networked to A 200k Entry-Level Job and Found Social Fulfillment

Choosing to prioritize his studies, Zachary Chen (SEAS ‘26) rested well at 10:30 PM to prepare for his 8:40 AM class, inadvertently missing out on a life-changing connection that would otherwise shape his future. 

Chen, who decided to get his act together for his sophomore year, vowed to only attend parties when it wouldn’t interfere with his studies. This vow led to his decision to stay in the dorm and adequately rest before his upcoming Applied Mathematics course, where his professor would review the syllabus for forty minutes before dismissing the class early.

Reportedly, had Chen gone to the aforementioned party, he would’ve met and bonded with upperclassman Joshua Smith (CC ‘24) over a shared passion for Spaghetti Westerns, forming a lifelong friendship. Smith, who was last seen blackout drunk in JJ’s Place at 3 AM, would have later recommended Chen for a lucrative position at his father’s tech firm. 

Chen slept soundly for 9 hours, which would have been $1,080 worth of hourly pay had he befriended Smith during that very night, later discussing how happy he was with the decision. Waking up alone in his dorm at 7:45 AM, Chen walked to class without ever once considering a possible future of weekly movie nights and parties with a new best friend.

“It’s crazy, I’ve never felt this well rested,” said Chen, while refreshing joinhandshake.com on his laptop. “I feel like I can do anything. I’m gonna ace this quarter, I’m a goddamn academic weapon! 4.33 GPA, here I come.”

Zachary Chen was last seen making accidental eye contact with Joshua Smith from across the room at JJ’s, before looking back down at his phone.