New Housing Options for People Left Out of the Friend Group

As housing groups are being submitted and dorms chosen (or denied out of disgust), a common phenomenon is sweeping Columbia: that of the friend left out of the housing group because they strayed from the friend group in the middle of the year. In an effort to combat the protests and whiny weeping of this lonely Columbian who always ends up receiving the worst dorm, Columbia Housing has announced a new policy. To provide affordable and accessible housing for the housing-group-less friend, Columbia Housing recently added four new on-campus options, listed below: 

  1. Lerner Black Box: The Black Box earned its name for a reason—it’s completely dark in there! The darkness has its pros, of course: residents of the Black Box can fall asleep without their usual dose of melatonin, have the perfect mood lighting for hookups, and get access to rehearsals of most prestigious shows on campus like the Varsity Show. 
  1. Bushes on the sides of Butler: Trust me, I know what you’re thinking…bushes?? Leave your assumptions behind because the bushes on the sides of Butler are some of the most-desired housing spaces yet. The greenery is so expansive that each resident has a spacious living area. Plus, the bushes are furnished with leaves for residents that might get the nighttime munchies. And who doesn’t want a beautiful view of College Walk from their dorm?
  1. Chef Don’s oven: Chef Don’s oven isn’t the most spacious living space, but it is air-conditioned unlike most of the other Columbia dorms. This dorm is also the least expensive of the four options. In fact, instead of paying thousands of dollars to Columbia, residents actually receive rent payment from Don’s chefs in the form of margherita pizzas because they feel so bad for you.
  1. Trash cans on the sides of Low steps: For those Columbians that prefer living in singles, the trash cans on the sides of Low are the perfect option because each resident gets their own trash can. Also, because Low divides the upper and lower campus, residents won’t have to worry about being late to classes because they’re so close to all of them. Complementary water is also provided by the bottle-flip guy for convenience.