Columbia College Dean James Valentini to Become President of NYU

Columbia College Dean James J. Valentini, affectionately called “Deantini” by students, tweeted this morning that he has accepted a position as President of New York University (NYU), which he will begin in September after stepping down from his current position, replacing President Andrew Hamilton, who announced a surprise retirement at the same time.

“I can’t say I’m not sad to leave, but I can’t say I’m not not sad to leave,” his tweet read. While Valentini has not given a reason for his departure, a source has told the Spectador that Dean Valentini was having a hard time grappling with his apparent demotion to being a chemistry professor reportedly saying, “I’ve been Deaning around for 11 years, but if I go back to teaching chemistry everyone’s gonna think I’m a complete nerd!” Aides of The Tini tried to reason with him, telling him to approach the situation with a “beginner’s mind” and that this new position be the next chapter of his “Columbia College Journey™ ©.” Deantini supposedly had none of this responding, “You actually believed that crap?! Just cause Tim Duncan says something doesn’t mean it’s actually true.”

Some have speculated that Valentini’s intention in stepping down from his position was to take a leave of absence before taking over Bollinger’s position as president. While it is unknown if a successor has been formed yet, (traditionally the successors are birthed from Alma Mater on the 17th of the fifth month of the second year of the decade), it is rumored that this next president will in fact be the child of President Bollinger. As for Deantini’s position, a member of the replacement search committee has stated, “The hardest part of the search is evaluating whether or not candidates could fight the entirety of Columbia College in a snowball fight.” 

Some have questioned how Valentini would handle questions about repeatedly referring to Columbia as the “greatest university in the greatest city in the world” in his capacity as head of another New York-based institution. Our team asked several students at NYU about their opinion, though none of them had actually heard of him. The Spectador also tweeted at Valentini with this question, to which he replied, “I guess we’ll just have to find out!”