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How to Get People to Take Your Quarantine Complaints Seriously: A Guide for Trust Fund Babies

by and
Artwork by Melissa Wang

  1. Constantly mention how the pandemic disproportionately affects minorities (as in, the 1%)

  2. Keep pretending to freeze during your Zoom classes, or unplug your router (since your internet is flawless)

  3. Hire an art appraiser to find the wall of your apartment that least projects Louis XIV vibes as your Zoom background

  4. Get in a time machine and complain to your 2019 nail tech, who will be so horrified by your 2020 self she’ll listen to anything you say

  5. Lament to the Nobu delivery person about how much you miss the ambience

  6. Yell at the bank tellers at Chase about how the amount in your bank account keeps going up because you’re not eating out

  7. While at the Jane, lament the fact that you can’t party in Ibiza

  8. Talk to the construction workers on your block about how impossible online learning is

  9. Do some charity work: help your younger brother photoshop his crew photos

  10. Don’t mention that you live in an Upper East Side penthouse your parents paid for