Earlier this week, Nevada became the topic of national ridicule due to the glacial pace of its vote-counting efforts. This morning, it was revealed that Nevada’s Secretary of State, Barbara Cegavske, intentionally delayed her state’s vote-counting process. Why, you ask, would a public servant stand in the way of our democracy? The answer: like millions of Americans, Cegavske became a Kornacki Stan and was determined to keep him (and his delicious derrière) on air every night.
“I know my actions seem corrupt,” Cegavske explained in an exclusive interview with Federalist reporters, “but I was only doing what I thought was best for the American people. In such a stressful time, the only thing that could bring joy to Americans was Steve Kornacki and his number-crunching, democracy-saving, khaki-wearing keister.”
Although Joe Biden has been declared president elect, thus ending Kornacki’s airtime, Cegavske is not quite ready to say goodbye. “I don’t care who’s president,” she said, “all I want is to see Kornacki’s perky posterior on my 85 inch flatscreen as he dominates that touchscreen map. Until MSNBC puts him back on air, I swear on Caesar’s Palace that I’ll hold my 6 electoral votes hostage.”