Boarding School Student Unsure What to Do With All His Ties

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CARMAN–As he packed for Columbia, Chuck Hubbard CC ‘22 found himself in a critical dilemma.

“During my boarding school days, I wore a tie every day. Over the years, I assembled quite a formidable collection of ties. And now that I’m heading to Columbia, I fear this impressive wardrobe will go to waste.”

Chuck, or Charles William Hubbard IV as his parents casually refer to him during mealtimes, spent hours staring fondly at his tie rack before he packed, reminiscing about simpler times in the dining hall with his friends, preparing for his cricket matches and scorning the lower classes.

As he sniffed in the smell of the fabric, he was struck by a troubling revelation: What if Columbia students don’t wear ties? “Well,” he thought, even if they wear only a sports coat to classes, I’m sure there will be plenty of opportunities at formals. However, he did decide to leave a number of his ties at home, packing only twenty-four.

During NSOP, he was seen spending most of his time in his sports coat. However, the discomfited glasses from his fellow freshman soon became too much to bear. Recent reports indicate that Hubbard has taken to wearing what he has heard called a groutfit around campus, though his roommate, Frank Lopez CC ‘22 told the Federalist that he has caught Hubbard with tears in his eyes as he wears one of his ties alone in the room during the evening. “At first, I though, oh he’s into autoerotic asphyxiation, and I was cool with that—I mean, it caught me off guard but I’m not here to kink-shame. But then I realized what was really going on and I was absolutely disgusted.”

As of press time, Hubbard was seen lying on his bed face-down, uncontrollably sobbing into a pile of ties.