BUTLER PUBLIC COMPUTER ROOM — This month, The Federalist received several anonymous tips that our beloved Dean of Columbia College, James J. Valentini, had ventured into the titillating world of erotic Japanese hentai. Once confined to Japanese smut shops and the Cheeto dust-coated basement dwellings of sexually frustrated internet trolls, this pornographic phenomenon—much like Eminem or centrism—has been embraced by white males everywhere. Our anonymous informants feared that Deantini too had succumbed to the magnetic pornographic cartoons.
Within days, investigators located Deantini in the Butler Reference Room, loudly breathing through his mouth as he studied the homepage of AnimeTittiez4Free.ph. As investigators approached him for comment, Deantini spun around to reveal a greasy “Naruto” t-shirt and sweat-soaked Hachimaki headband. “I’m a total otaku now. My love has transcended culture!” the Dean loudly exclaimed. “Real girls—like that awful Debora Spar—they’ll break your heart. 2D girls will never leave you.” Sneering at the investigators’ apparent confusion, the Dean confidently revealed his Amazon wish list containing several customizable body pillows and small, leggy plastic action figures.
“This is Kimiko, my waifu,” said the Dean, switching tabs to a hi-res image of a scantily clad, huge-eyed vixen with gravity-defying breasts. “She may look awfully young but it’s fine; she’s really a 3000 year old demon,” the Dean carefully explained.
This new hobby has aroused some controversy on campus, drawing accusations of cultural appropriation from multicultural advocates. As President of the non-University-recognized East-Asian Erotic Animation Club, James Takahara SEAS ‘20, explained to us, “We at the EAEAC all understand the need to jerk off to cartoon women, but Dean Valentini’s actions as a Columbia administrator are completely unacceptable.We ask him to stick to masturbating to unrealistically represented women from his own culture, like Wonder Woman and Black Widow. Leave the erotic adaptations of Sailor Moon to actually Japanese dudes. The line for that booth at Comic Con is long enough without the white guys.”
Conversely, self-professed erotic cartoon aficionado Tim Goldberg SEAS ‘18 defended Dean Valentini’s actions: “This is nothing but close-minded, pornographic nationalism on the part of EAEAC. Going back to the fall of the Akkadian empire, and the invading people’s subsequent discovery of clay tablets in the ruins, there’s a long, long history of different cultures jerking off to drawings of each other.”
At press time, Dean Valentini has stated that, despite the controversy, he remains devoutly loyal to Kimiko, angrily informing his “baka” critics that he would continue vigorously stroking his wrinkled phallus to photographs of Kimiko for as long as their love remained true.
