New Student Finally Adjusting to College, Gonorrhea

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First-year Bryan Hanor was a little overwhelmed when he first arrived at Columbia; balancing rigorous academics, a new social atmosphere, and what he described as “the glorious carousel of quality dick in the city” seemed a near herculean task, only compounded by his recent gonorrhea diagnosis.

“He really seemed a little overwhelmed by all the work.,” Hanor‘s roommate told reporters on Monday. “I think there were some challenges he’d never rubbed up against: longer essays, higher analytical expectations, that sort of thing. But, honestly, I think the biggest change was moving from Podunk, Nebraska to a modern-day Gomorrah. Back home, he had to wait months for some strange from the big city to pass through, and now he had all the cock his tiny twink hands could handle. Human orifices just aren’t meant for that kind of wanton plenty.”

Though initially downtrodden after receiving his diagnosis, Bryan has bounced back, thanks to compassionate professors, good friends, and a booty shot from health services. Columbia is truly filled to the brim with stories of redemption, and Bryan’s is no different. The freshman is now able to efficiently balance his time between understanding the ethics of Hellenistic culture, and informing all of his recent sexual partners that they should get tested.

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