LERNER– A lone pianist held 35 students hostage in the Lerner lounge this past Tuesday with his incredibly off-key rendition of Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like The Wolf.”
The pianist, identified as Li Wei Goldberg of Wallach 6, released a full list of demands to public security:
A permanent reserved spot in Butler 301
That everyone call him by his actual Chinese name, not “Jeff”
An opportunity to take a joy ride in Bollinger’s Audi
Line cutting privileges at Ferris during peak hours
Control of WKCR for a 336 hour 80s marathon
A wig made entirely of Bollinger’s refined-steel locks
A Texas Instruments Nspire CX CAS Graphing Calculator
Abolishment of elevator etiquette
OR Orgo night back in butler
If his demands were not met, Goldberg threatened not only to continue playing in Lerner Lounge, but also to shift to the Hamilton soundtrack.
Evoking the Sirens of the Odyssey, Goldberg began to sing his ode to Duran Duran, thus ensuring no one could escape. “Of course we wanted to leave, but I’m not going to tarnish my reputation as a gentleman by leaving in the middle of a performance,” said 43 year-old Norman Gurman, GS ‘19, who had the misfortune to be hitting on a sophomore when the Duran Duran devastation hit. Speaking to The Federalist via emergency flip-phone, Gurman tearfully added “Tell my son. . . he’s the man of the house now. Tell him to be strong. Tell him that he’s the real wolf in my life.”
One escapee, Anna Berkhead, BC ’20, commented on the abduction: “It was a normal day in the Lerner lounge, the scent of depression wafted through like freshmen at a NSOP event. At first I thought it was strange that he seemed to be tuning the piano, which as far as I could tell was in totally normal condition, but real hell broke loose when we realized the doors were locked. Luckily I had my headphones in, but his Siren’s song seemed to draw even the most deaf students to the piano.”
A crowd formed around the lounge and many students began hypothesizing regarding what his motives could be. “He hoped to singlehandedly eliminate stress culture on campus with his smooth ivory-tickling.” said one student. “I heard he ran out of socks,” said another.
“Duran Duran requires a very specific tuning,” said the demure hostage taker. “If any of these uncultured heathens paid attention in Music Hum, they would know that.”
Reports that CAVA was planning a rescue mission were quickly dispelled when a CAVA representative noted, “I’ll clean up vomit, but I’m not going anywhere near this shit. For god’s sake isn’t this Psychological Services’ job?”
Thankfully, Mike from the Carman security desk arrived on the scene just in time. With a single fist bump and his handy jazz mix playing in the background he was able to calm down Li Wei and defuse the situation. “We don’t negotiate with terrorists, but I can talk to them, because everyone just needs a little love,” said Mike after consoling the crazed pianist.