FURNALD LAWN—In attempt to appease a disgruntled student body, Columbia has made the bold decision to divest from a Columbia staple, Toddler Fight Club. In a university-wide email, President Lee Bollinger cited the organization’s “lack of transparency” and “ethics concerns” as incongruous with the university’s vision for a community-driven Columbia.
TFC, or Toddler Fight Club, was founded in 2007 by nannies to legally inflict the punches they could not statutorily throw at their wards. The nannies also hoped to supplement their meager pay by streaming the fights live on pay-per-view.
Today, TFC’s membership exceeds 35 nannies who represent over 100 kids. The fights typically occur on Friday evenings and the kids are placed into four diaper classes ranging from Constipated to Heavy Hitters.
“Typically, we get the kids going with a few Pixie Stix mixed with pre-workout, grease them up, throw them in the ring and they go at it,” said [Redacted], nanny and corner-woman for Jimmy “The Butcher” Goldberg, who is the defending champion of the TFC. “They can’t come out until there’s only one left crawling, and if I were you I’d put down $100. The Butcher will be on all fours until someone rocks him to sleep,” continued [Redacted] as she flashed a shiv made of Columbia students’ lost ID cards.
When asked about the University’s divestment decision, the nanny seemed unfazed. “We don’t need Columbia’s money,” she said, priming a syringe of breast milk protein. “The city’s competitive preschools have endowments that make Columbia look like a Detroit public school. And you can bet your ass they’re recruiting.”
Others, however, are upset by the University’s move. The Barnard Columbia Solidarity Network (BCSN) issued a scathing response: “This is yet another example of the University using its resources to indulge its privileged community members at the expense of minority workers, while completely ignoring student demands to divest from perpetrators of systemic violence.”
Attempts to extract more information about the organization have been unsuccessful, as none of the fighters seems willing to speak to the press. When The Butcher refused comment to The Federalist, his nanny remarked only that “the first rule of TFC is that you don’t talk about TFC, unless you have a parental signature on the media release form.”