Bath Salts Are Getting A Pretty Bad Rap

Look, bath salts are getting a pretty bad rap. Not all of it’s undeserved. Sure, last time you ended up naked, punched your way through a fence and choked your chicken until there was blood, you said you would never do it again. But was it really that bad?

Sometimes you just need that no-holds-barred release. Sometimes you want to hit that high you can’t get from cocaine or LSD alone, the kind of high only snorting a little Vanilla Sky with some crap you found in an abandoned chemical plant off a stripper’s ass can achieve. If I wanted some pitiful 20 minute rush I’d go back to smoking meth. I want that 9 hour “I’m dying and I can’t see” kind of high. If you don’t fear you’ve lost all ability to interpret the world around you and consider suicide at some point, did you ever get a high at all?

Side effects aren’t even that bad. If I gave you a list of side effects of bath salts and Columbia, I doubt you’d be able to tell the difference. Here they are:

  • Insomnia

  • False euphoria rapidly evolving into paranoia

  • Nightmares

  • Depression

  • Severe agitation

  • Hallucinations and delusions

  • Self-harm

  • Suicidal thoughts or suicide

  • Psychosis

  • Violent behavior

  • Brainstem herniation (increase of pressure inside the skull that can cause death)

  • Seizures

  • Sexual dysfunction

  • Rapid involuntary movement of the eyes

  • Brain swelling and brain death

  • Death

A solid two-thirds of those are straight Columbia symptoms. Who hasn’t experienced a little brain swelling? Hell, let’s not talk about the sexual dysfunction.

Furthermore, I’m tired of all these amateurs saying they’re high when they don’t know shit. I know you’re not seeing stars on that single puff you took. And if your face doesn’t look like a heroin-injected slice of Ferris pizza, you’re just half-assing the whole fucking thing.

I want to look at you and not be able to tell if you spent 3 days in Butler or spent 3 hours taking a shit on the floor of a McDonald’s. If you’re not trying to bite off your own tongue because it talked back to you, you’re just not high enough.

They way I see it, you bumblefucks have two options: keep pretending you know what a bender is or man up and go eat that guy’s dog.

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