Administration Unsure If Creepy Guy Pervert or Just Christian

ST. JOHN THE DIVINE — Following continued reports of his uncomfortably long handshakes and seemingly interminable smiles, Columbia Administration remains unsure whether Mark Matthias CC ‘18 is a sexual deviant or just really, really Christian.

Matthias’s off-putting behavior has been the subject of campus-wide debate. “His natural talent for making everyone he meets deeply uncomfortable has got to stem either from deeply ingrained Protestantism or a desire to do some freaky, freaky shit to people,” said CPS representative Tammy Rosenblatt. “Like, knife shit. Or poop shit.”

Students remain undecided as to whether Matthias’s “very clean but still kinda greasy” visage should be a cause for comfort or concern. “His bright-white teeth, polite glasses, and cleanly-pressed clothes, all should probably have put me at ease when I met the guy,” said Jackie Carter SEAS ‘17, “but I really can’t tell if he’s just being friendly, or wants to tie me up and slather me in some homemade barbecue sauce from wherever in bumfuck Kentucky he must be from.”

At press time, Matthias was seen perking up at the mention of the word “missionary.”

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