Campus Progressives Exhausted After Long Day of Saving the World

Recently, The Federalist caught up with a group of campus progressives as they sat on Low Steps, relaxing after an intense day of political labor. Though most of them were too fatigued to even formulate sentences, their chief spokesman, Matt Rosen CC’18, took a few moments out of his jam-packed day to speak with the newspaper.

When asked about their contributions, Rosen sighed wearily. “Man, has our work been meaningful. Just the other day, we saved an eight-person immigrant family from deportation by walking down Fifth Avenue yelling ‘FUCK DONALD TRUMP.’ Last week, we single-handedly preserved federal Planned Parenthood funding by screen-printing ‘My Body My Choice’ onto some crop tops. And we’re well on our way to neatly resolving the Israel-Palestine conflict by slathering our laptops in BDS stickers and harassing random tourists on Low Steps.”

Such hard-hitting political activism does not come without a price, however. “After all that yelling, all of us got sore throats and needed to trek all the way to Duane Reade to buy lozenges. A bunch of my friends got carpal tunnel from putting on all those stickers, and when I was following a tour group with a ‘Divest’ sign, some eighth-grader with a calculator watch stepped on my toe and really bruised it.”

“Our work doesn’t just take a physical toll,” he continued. “Do you know how draining it can be finding a snappy Huffington Post op-ed to share every day? Do you understand how tiring it is to incorporate the word ‘marginalities’ into twenty-six different Facebook statuses? It’s not easy yelling into a 6,000-person echo chamber for twenty-four hours a day.”

Despite the struggles Rosen and his fellow progressives face, they still refuse to back down. “I shudder to think of what could have happened in the world without us here to repost NowThis Politics videos and systematically rebut problematic memes. It may be hard work, but we will never stop policing injustices as long as doing so draws attention to our social media presence.”

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