HAMILTON – Columbia prides itself on its diversity – diversity of race, religion, nationality, gender, and sexual orientation. But Jessica Marinaccio, dean of undergraduate admissions, believes one group is still grossly underrepresented at the undergraduate level: the attractive.
“Columbia College and the Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, combined, will admit at least twenty attractive students for the class of 2021,” said Marinaccio, who is quite comely herself, announced last Friday. “Hot people serve many vital roles in the campus community, not the least of which is to remind the disheveled, homely masses that schoolwork isn’t everything, and that it’s important to look in a mirror once in a while and wash your grease-encrusted face.”
Marinaccio elaborated on the current campus climate that inspired her to enact the changes. “Let’s not mince words: the students at this school are fugly. Whenever I walk into Butler, I see hundreds of unbathed, acne-ridden swine in ‘Rush Beta 2015’ shirts. Wasn’t 2015 two years ago? Buy a new shirt, Ben.”
Marinaccio says she also plans to emphasize students’ physical fitness levels when making admissions decisions. “Does anyone at this pigsty even know where Dodge is? I’ll be honest: I’m sending a likely letter to any applicant who seems like they’ve gone on a run in the past year. Even a long walk will do. I’m tempted to require students to attach photos to their applications – full body only. None of those weak half-face pics.”
Asked by a fretting visiting parent what his child can do to get into Columbia, Marinaccio added: “Tell your slimy little whale to stand in front of the mirror and really take stock of their strengths and weaknesses. If they have anything more or less than one chin, they better start getting familiar with the SUNY system.”
Though her statements imply plans for sweeping reform, Marinaccio emphasized that she only plans to implement these changes at the undergraduate level. “Have you seen business school students? There’s actually some talent in Uris.”