Freshman Frantically Hides Illicit Items in Preparation for Parents’ Visit

CARMAN – In Carman 308, a frenzy of activity erupted as Neil Purri CC’20 began racing around the room—shoving items under the bed, ripping things off the walls, and leaving a trail of general destruction in his wake. When his confused suitemates stopped him to ask why he was acting so erratically, Purri uttered a single word with fear in his eyes: “Parents.”

Despite his well-established playboy daredevil ways, Purri could be seen quickly taking down and hiding such essential room staples as a life-sized cutout of Jennifer Lopez in a string bikini, an enormous “Saturdays Are For the Boys” sign, and the “Bongzilla” pole-mounted ten tube drinking funnel proudly displayed in the center of the room.

He even made his roommate take down his Budweiser posters, though claiming that this was from a concern for showcasing a unified room aesthetic and not from a concern for any implication in alcohol-related matters.

When asked whether or not, in light of this cleaning, he really planned to keep the forty empty beer cans he’d arranged into a pyramidal display to showcase his wild lifestyle, Purri declined to comment.  However, witnesses later reported seeing his mother discover them hidden in a cabinet and hearing him desperately deny all knowledge of them. He insisted that they probably belonged to a “prior resident who clearly didn’t understand the many dangers of teen drinking.”