MOULTONBOROUGH, NH – Seeking wider appeal within the Jewish faith, the Elders of Zion have announced the opening of a Youngsters of Zion sleepaway camp on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee in New Hampshire. The camp will provide “a nurturing, hospitable environment where young Jews from across the country can congregate to share in the joys of friendship, sportsmanship, and the destruction of Gentile civilization.”
The notoriously insular Elders have noticed a precipitous decline in membership since the recession. “Certainly the bursting of the housing bubble indicated to a number of our members that we needed to recalibrate our efforts,” said Elders spokesperson Moshe Feinberg between bites of a pastrami on rye at Krugel’s on 59th. “We lacked input from younger members, those who could let us know what’s really going on among society’s dullards. That’s how this camp came about — also my little Yakob did not enjoy his four weeks at Camp Manitoba.”
The camp will have amenities rivaling those of the most established New England sleepaway camps: three basketball courts, a full service mess hall, Bible-burning fire pits, a multi-purpose gymnasium, etc. “Rachel and I toured the facilities, and frankly, we were very impressed,” said Robert Greenblatt, Chairman of NBC Entertainment, after he and his wife visited the camp this past week. “I felt the control room which simultaneously monitored all media outlets across the country demonstrated the commitment the Elders have to our cause. The clay tennis courts will also definitely help Daniel with his pitiful backhand.”
Calls for funding were virtually non-existent, as the Elders have not traditionally had issues with finances. While enrollment for the upcoming summer has been slow to pick up, Feinberg expects that to change. “Let’s just say I have a feeling we’ll be getting an awful lot of press,” he added with a wink.