Graduate Student Union Demands Access to Real Jobs


MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS – Along with demands for control over stipend distribution, improved health coverage and “use of the laundry machines in Wallach,” the newly-formed Graduate Student Union has released a statement demanding that Columbia supply them with access to real jobs.

“It’s a question of egalitarianism in the top down structure of the university,” said Martha Freer GSAS ‘18, a graduate student speaking on behalf of the union. “It’s time for the administration to accept that we have rights. And among those rights is the need for a real job, a job suited to an adult who made better life choices than I did.”

“I once applied for a job at Hooters,” said Slavic Studies Ph.D. candidate Anthony Grander. “I didn’t even get an interview.”

Another graduate student, a doctoral candidate in the field of Gender, Sexuality, and Vaginas,  Rachel Sinclair, has, in the face of his lack of meaningful employment, turned to alternative means to find fulfillment — and to fulfill others.

“I don’t really consider myself a prostitute,” Sinclair insists. “I mean, technically being a sugar baby doesn’t require you to have sex with your sugar daddy.  It does pay more, though—I mean, I’ve heard that it pays more.  I’d never do that kind of thing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’m able to really touch people in this line of work and at the end of the day that’s what really matters.”

Sinclair has since given the popular app SeekingArrangement a five star review on the App Store.