HAMILTON – What began as an ordinary session of Professor George Frink’s 8:40 Lit Hum class ended with what may go down as one of the most thrilling and transformative events in the history of Western philosophy: Frink had his shit utterly rocked by intended English Major Kevin Davenport CC ‘20.
As the students discussed the metaphorical significance of the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus in Homer’s Iliad, the class fell silent. Davenport triumphantly raised his hand, and prepared to unleash what early reports described as “some unreal knowledge bombs.”
“This is only one interpretation,” Davenport began, “what if, like, Patroclus had to die to teach Achilles a lesson about sacrifice?”
Moved by the sheer impact of this insight, Frink reported that he himself broke out in tears, and students spontaneously burst into rapturous applause. One student lost control of his bowels.
“Before that day, I would never have believed that such wisdom could come from any undergraduate student, let alone a first-year,” said Frink. “I was just blown away. I mean, his obvious comparison underscored by his false modesty will undoubtedly reverberate through the world of academia for years to come.”
“[Davenport] is just so cool and smart,” said Sarah Breckenridge, another member of the class. “The chance to experience that kind of intellectualism is why I applied to Columbia in the first place. I just hope he keeps talking in class as much as he has been already.”
Asked to comment on his groundbreaking analysis, Davenport stated that he looks forward into developing it into his senior thesis.
“Maybe I’ll even turn it into a book,” he added. “But for sure, my essay’s gonna have a lot about metaphors and shit, and probably some gay stuff.”