Barnard Student Unable to Activate Lerner Hall Turnstile, Causes Near-Fatal Seven Student Pile-Up

An artist's rendering of the scene

An artist’s rendering of the scene

ALFRED LERNER HALL – In an incident that turned to horrific tragedy, panicked student Renee Wilson BC ’20 sparked a an injury-laden pile-up at the Lerner Hall turnstile. What began as an innocent attempt to finally smoothly activate the turnstile with a quick scan of her student ID quickly escalated into  a terrifying accident. Wilson fumbled nervously, losing control of her body and causing seven students to violently collide behind her.          

“My first accident was just a minor fender-bender,” said Wilson. “I mean, it hadn’t been the first time I had caused front-to-butt traffic. But I’ve been paying a pretty steep turnstile insurance premium for a while now.”  

CAVA responded quickly, racing onto a scene of carnage. The near-fatal incident placed several students in intensive care, including Paul Henderson CC ’19, who, is in stable condition as of press time.                    

“I was just minding my own business,” said Henderson. “Next thing I know, I’ve got four people barreling into me, giving me whiplash and two broken ribs—not to mention I missed salmon day at Ferris.”

When asked about her personal responsibility for the incident, Wilson stated that, in the future, she would “do the right thing” and hand over her ID to the security desk to have it grumbled at before moving through the turnstile.