Summer Offers Exciting New Forms of Failure for Subpar Students


As the summer begins, Columbia’s best and brightest have been set loose upon the country to squeeze every last reference they can out of their summer internships, and are eagerly punching up their resumes for next summer. For these students, the summer offers a  chance to prove their mettle in their dream careers.

However, the summer also holds exciting opportunities for Columbia’s less-than-stellar students. “Now that I can’t possibly fuck up my GPA for another three months, I feel like I can really spread my wings,” commented Aiden Burgess SEAS ‘18. “School can be so restricting! I’m sick of just proving that I’m book-dumb. Now I can prove that I’m street-dumb, emotionally dumb, a real well-rounded kind of doofus.”

Students from the university’s bottom quartile have also set out into the broader world in order to prove that they can be every bit as incompetent outside of the classroom as they can in it. “Finally, I have the chance to tank a discussion that isn’t part of CC with my banal, rambling comments. It’s so gratifying to know that I can really lower the level of discourse in whatever room I please.” commented Sarah Peterson, CC ‘18.

For William Graham, CC ‘19, the summer imbues the work he does with real meaning. “If I screw up basic arithmetic in my calc class, nobody’s really harmed except myself,” he explained, his eyes gleaming in the hot summer sun. “But when I improperly tally this expense report for my internship, it can actually damage a company, and cause real people to lose their jobs! It’s so gratifying to be finally be doing work that has a meaningful impact upon the world around me.”

Others are taking advantage of their free time to expand their social networks beyond the Columbia bubble. Juliet Lepenier, a Barnard sophomore, is already making the most of her time at home. Without needing to spend all of her time pretending to work in the library, she can finally take the time to be unbearable to a wide group of people. “At school, most of the time it’s only my sorority sisters who have to regret ever letting me into their social circle. Now I’m free to be completely unbearable for my family, high school friends, and co-workers as I drone on and on.”

With these vital members of Columbia’s community absent from Morningside Heights, an uneasy quietude settles over the University’s campus. Still, administrators and staff seem accepting of a more serene campus. “Of course, we’re happy to see our students doing what they do best out in the real world,” explained James Valentini, Dean of Columbia College. “Every second we can spend away from you ambulatory piles of tuition money is a blessing – we hate you all.”