SUNY MORNINGSIDE HEIGHTS – Standing with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, an undeniably relaxed President Bollinger announced on Monday that Columbia will become a public school during the 2016-2017 school year. The administrative transformation is part of a school-wide initiative to reduce stress culture on campus.
“Incorporating Columbia into the State University of New York system, we aim to offer students a wide range of new resource shortages,” Bollinger explained. Cuts to faculty quality, club funding, and research opportunities will likely free students from stressful obligations. In fact, Bollinger cited studies predicting that a dearth of academic opportunity will foster 75-85% more 11 AM parties and midday spliffs. Many fraternities might even become distinguishable from pre-professional organizations.
Along with the decision, Bollinger announced that Columbia will be rebranded as SUNY Morningside Heights.
Though President Bollinger’s salary will be reduced from $3.4 million to $14,000, he was visibly unconcerned. “For years now, I’ve been making a few extra bucks on the side as a hair stylist,” Bollinger admitted, running a hand through his luscious locks. Asked where the administration now intends to channel its extra endowment funds, Bollinger responded succinctly: “Athletics.”
Columbia College Dean Valentini is also a strong supporter of the decision to make Columbia a public university. “As I always say, life is about balance,” Valentini said. “That’s why I give money to Bacchanal. Students just need to trade some of their chronic sleep deprivation for more exciting liver damage.”