WHITE HOUSE – In an official press release on Sunday, the White House revealed that Malia Obama, as well as nine Secret Service agents, will attend Harvard in 2017.
Jeremy Graves, the 38 year-old leader of Malia’s security detail, was visibly thrilled as he spoke to reporters about the news this morning. “Going to an elite institution like this to take a bullet for Malia has been a lifelong dream of mine,” said Graves. “My parents are going to be so proud.”
To celebrate her admission, President Barack Obama CC ’83 let Malia pick any drone target she wanted. “You earned it, honey,” he said, furtively dreading the Wall Street speeches he will have to give to cover her tuition bill. “We can send a Hellfire anywhere you like.”
As of press time, Malia was leaning towards getting rid of New Haven, CT. “Do it, Daddy,” she reportedly urged her father. “Make them fear us. All of Yale will know our name.”