HAMILTON HALL – Columbia Admissions was excited to announce on Thursday that it had broken its previous record for largest number of college dreams crushed in a single year.
“We are very excited to announce that we have killed more high school seniors’ hopes than ever before,” said Dean of Undergraduate Admissions Jessica Marinaccio. “We disappointed students from all 50 states and over 80 countries. It’s a testament to how great this institution is.”
Prospective students were even more proud of their acceptance given the news. “I can’t wait to attend a school that rejects so many applicants,” said prospective student Sam Sandler. “It’s so exciting to know that my accomplishments have been conditional on the failure of such a vast number of students.”
Columbia College Dean James Valentini was pleased when he received the news. “The students we rejected were the easy ones,” he said, eyes gleaming. “Now I have four more years to crush the remaining scraps of happiness in the rest of them.”
Columbia continued to race ahead of much of its competition, trampling the aspirations of a larger fraction of its applicants than schools like UPenn and Princeton. Both of these universities, however, are confident that the Class of 2020 will surpass Columbia in utter dejection by the time of graduation.