NEW YORK, NY – Winter Storm Jonas is rumored to have smuggled in the cleanest and freshest batch of snow that New York had seen in almost a year. Many New Yorkers danced with euphoria upon feeling the storm’s powerful blow. Mayor De Blasio announced a state of emergency and closed the roads to stop cars from hitting innocent pedestrians doing lines on the sidewalks. Furthermore, residents were prohibited from introducing any impurities into the fine powder.
The two snow-fueled days stranded many finance professionals far away from their wives in Scarsdale and forced to find refuge in the warmth of the strip clubs on the West Side Highway. Facing a similar predicament, future financiers of numerous Greek affiliations were spotted at Mel’s rubbing their tingling noses into the frosty early hours.
The storm seems to have caused more damage to the stock market than the city itself. Notwithstanding the weekend high, the stock market is headed for a crash this coming Monday. The market was left unattended and solely controlled by the most impulsive and addicted of the wolves of Wall Street who were the few survivors of the weekend bender. Reports indicated that brokers are already calling in sick for the next three months while many others have checked into rehab centers upstate.
In spite of the turmoil, New Yorkers remain amped from the unexpected boost in morale. Children were seen helping to cut and flatten the snow with their sleds, as well as making snow forts with bricks of Jonas’ fluff. Passersby described the scene as a beautiful illustration of New Yorkers coming together and sharing a moment of pure bliss and ecstasy.