Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stole Your Airpods

Volume XXXIX • Issue 1 • October 2021

From the issue:

  • Columbia Public Safety Preemptively Confiscates Tent-Like Items

  • Dom Seeking Sub: Dominican Friar Desires Chef Mike’s Sub Sandwich

  • I LIVED IT: My Citations Were So Bad They Caused the Collapse of American Academia as We Know It

  • Adulterous Father Sweats Bullets as Easter Egg Hunt Spreads to His Car

  • Barnard’s New Ethics Reporting Hotline Receives Flood of Reports About President Rosenbury

  • Study: Low Library Actually Pretty High Relative to Most of Campus

  • Katy Perry Sent to Space After Mistaking Astronomy for Astrology

  • Legacy Students at Columbia Given Preferential Admission

  • Student-Athletes Riot in Response to Ferris Egg Shortage

  • Trans-Continental Railroad Renamed to Continental Railroad

  • Dining Dollars to be Renamed to “Cafe East Dollars”

  • Columbia Health and Well-Being Offices Unveil New Programming in Response to Student Concerns

  • Hooda Halal Now Accepting Dining Swipes

  • Study Finds 93% of Creative Writing Majors Just Writing About Their Lives

  • JJ’s Institutes Severance Procedure

  • DEVASTATING: Why is Nobody Else Here Excited About April Foos Day (International Foosball Day)?

  • Hewitt Dining Hall Goes Barnard Only

  • Armstrong Steps Down

  • Elon Musk Ignores ‘Name 5 Things Your Kids Did’ Email

  • Abby Lee Miller Joins Barnard Dance Department Faculty