Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stole Your Airpods

Volume XXXIX • Issue 1 • October 2021

From the issue:

  • I Paid A Witch So My Class Registration Would Go Well

  • LeFrak Center’s Build-A-Vagina Workshop Sparks Calls for Gender Equality, Columbia Announces ‘Dodge Dick Day’

  • Awkward! I Matched With My Professor On Marriage Pact

  • Cuomo Organizes January 6th-style Attack on Bushwick’s Basement

  • Snow at Cornell Leaves Frat Bros Stranded

  • False Alarm: Furnald Still Virgin Safe Haven

  • Barnard College Officially Shuts Down, Campus Becomes a Spirit Halloween

  • Butler Stacks Haunted by Mysterious ‘Moaning’

  • A Haiku for the Butler Library 3rd Floor Men’s Bathroom

  • “I Think Our Suite is Haunted”: Worst Roommate Ever Blames Poltergeist for Unfinished Chores

  • Majority of Finance Clubs Possessed By Demonic Entities

  • Barnard Expansion to Found First American Non-Binary College (NBC), NBarnard College

  • China Reports Nationwide Bao Shortage, Cites ‘Unsustainable Demand’ from John Jay Dining Hall

  • BREAKING: Analysis of Barnard Demographics Reveals Troubling Gender Disparity

  • Places I Have Fallen In New York

  • Help! My parents actually came for parents’ weekend!

  • Lin Manuel Miranda as Hamilton Announced as New Columbia President

  • Heartbreaking: Not a Single Kid in the Nation Able to Convince Friend to Trade for Their Butterfinger

  • So Apparently Dangling Sleeping Roommate Out of Eighth Story Window No Longer Okay

  • BE WARNED! Columbia Student Summons Deadly Demonic TA After Coughing Three Times in Lecture