Columbia’s Only Newspaper That Stole Your Airpods

Volume XXXIX • Issue 1 • October 2021

From the issue:

  • CPS Now Accepting Spotify Wrapped Instead of Consultation Appointment 

  • Dear Spotify: Please Remove “Uptown Munk” by Alvin and the Chipmunks From My Wrapped

  • What Is the Largest Animal You Would Kill if the Federalist Told You It Was Invasive?

  • My Chair Squeaked in Ref and I Had to Flee in Shame

  • In Response to CPS Unavailability, Lucy from Charlie Brown Opens Psychiatric Help Stand in Quad

  • New Courses to Be Added for Spring 2023

  • A New Yorker’s Guide to the Subway

  • Duo Upgrades to Trio, Will Require Blood Sacrifice for Authentication

  • Columbia’s Uncircumsized Men’s Society Lobbying for More On-Campus Representation

  • TV Networks Release New Fall TV Lineup

  • Columbia Announces That Midterms Will Begin During NSOP Next Year

  • Columbia Dresses as MIT for Halloween in Attempt to Regain Number Two Ranking

  • Top 10 Couples Costumes for Halloween 2022 (School Spirit Edition)

  • Barnard Fitness Center Renovations to Replace all Work-Out Machines with Coke Freestyles

  • How to Get Into Every A Capella Group on Campus to Become the Pitch Perfect Thanos of Morningside Heights

  • How to Weave Your Major Into Any Conversation: A List

  • This Homecoming Season: How to Convince Your Parents From Alabama That, Yes, This Is a Real Football Game

  • Carman Renamed ‘Charmin’ After 50,000 Toilet Paper Rolls Donated to Columbia

  • ADVICE: My Friends Want Me to Get Discord, but I’m Worried It’ll Make Me Look Like a Gamer

  • (GROUND)BREAKING: Digging a Tunnel to the Core of the Earth Now Counts for a Global Core Credit