Vote or We Kill Roar-ee
By Jake Goidell, incel for hire
CAMPUS TUNNELS—Voting is your civic duty and you have no higher calling than selecting your political representatives.
Companies and organizations have recently inundated citizens with urgent pleas to vote. Instagram, Xvideos, and Courseworks link to voting registration every time you open their sites, while Columbia students are delighted to have a new cause with which to make full use of their Canva+ subscription.
But, at The Fed, we know just telling you won’t make you want to vote. So, as added motivation, if you don’t vote, we will kill Columbia mascot Roar-ee the Lion.
We don’t want to slaughter Roar-ee with our own bare hands, but if the student body cannot participate in the most basic function of our democracy, then we will not hesitate to execute the beloved Columbia mascot.
While our cold-blooded murder won’t negatively affect the rock-bottom attendance for Columbia’s nearly winless Men’s Basketball program (1-13 in Ivy League play), we hope it will inspire students and alumni to vote.
You know the stakes, now it’s up to you: vote or Roar-ee dies.