Trump Sells Oakland, California to Russia to Prove Harris Birther Theory
By Anjali Ramakrishnan, voting by mail and in person
President Trump announced via Twitter that he has made a deal with Putin to sell Oakland, the birthplace of Vice Presidential candidate Kamala Harris, to Russia. The deal was struck when the news broke that Kamala Harris, the child of immigrants, would be Joe Biden’s running mate.
The Tweet reads “Had a great talk with Vladdy Daddy today. He informed me he has wanted Oakland for decades, but the Do Nothing Democrats have been stalling for years! As of today, Oakland is part of Russia. V and I, in addition to being reality TV watching buddies, fellow ripped men, and Co-Chairs of the Re-elect Putin Campaign, are now also business partners!”
In a follow-up tweet, Trump swung hard with a spin on his infamous slogan “You’re fired, Commala!”
Several media outlets tried to corroborate details about the sale, which Mitch McConell has likened to the historical significance of the Louisiana Purchase, declaring “Jefferson and his racist ways would be beaming with pride.” Republican representatives from California declined to confirm the sale, but in a statement to the Associated Press stated that they are “100% behind the decision” and that Oakland “could use more racial diversity.” One representative added that diversity could be achieved with “just a sprinkling of more white people,” although when questioned further he declined to comment.
Constitutional experts believe that even if the sale is confirmed, a hurdle despite the social consequences of expatriating nearly half a million citizens, Harris would remain on the ticket, as Oakland was a part of the US at her time of birth. Trump ally Lindsey Graham has assured people that he would find a way to get around this.
“The American people rejected the party that paraded a man born in Kenya when they elected President Trump in 2016—we have every ounce of confidence that they will continue to do so and that the fuel of sexism will make the birther campaign even stronger this time around,” Graham told the press.
The Oakland sale and the question of “Commala’s” national allegiance are likely to dominate headlines in the weeks running up to the election.