TRAGIC: This First Year Has Never Tasted the John Jay Potato Water
By Matt Nola and Nikhil Mehta, Protectors of the Totwater, Guardians of the Galaxy
When asked what he thinks the worst part about his first-year grandson Hamdel Johnson CC’24 experiencing classes online is, The Federalist dining correspondent Johnson J. Johnson CC’61 laments, “It is a true tragedy—the truest of all tragedies, in fact—that my dear grandson has never tasted that age-old yet perpetually fresh recipe that was specifically centered around the root vegetable known as the ‘potato.’”
Indeed, the ambrosiac drink was reportedly missing from the campus’ main dining hall (along with the rest of the “Hydration Station”) when it reopened this spring, much to the detriment of every Columbia student, but, of course, to the first-year students who never had the opportunity to experience this singularly inventive beverage.
“We regret to inform the Columbia community that we are unable to provide our students with the famed ‘totwater’ in this new year. From inspiring Hamilton to write the Federalist papers like he was running out of time to being the basis of Kate McKinnon’s Lindsey Graham impression, we could not be more proud of what totwater has ‘tot’ so many Columbians. Delicious was certainly in this detail,” read a message released on the Columbia Dining Instagram account.
When asked for comment, Hamdel stated, “Bro, who even cares about this totwater, just get me a Claw and let me down it with my boys.” For clarification, Hamdel’s “boys” are two other students who have never tasted the totwater, and so their opinions are not valid.