This Just In: Coronavirus Originated from Super Bats in the Columbia Tunnels

This Just In: Coronavirus Originated from Super Bats in the Columbia Tunnels

By Amelia Fay

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In April 2018, The Federalist’s very own Joseph Baer reported that “Damn: Super Bats are Back in the Columbia Tunnels, and This Time, They are Horny.” Well, two years later the Super Bats are very much still in the tunnels and, let me tell ya, their procreative abilities even put Genghis Khan to shame. In fact, these bats have mutated and now possess the ability to engage in casual hookups, long-term relationships, and even polygamy. But baby, baby bats aren’t the only baddies that the Super Bats have birthed. Today, the CDC confirmed that the coronavirus originated from our very own Super Bats.

Robert Redfield, Director of the CDC, released a statement reading, “For the past several weeks, we have worked tirelessly to learn about the coronavirus and its origins. Although originally all signs pointed to an initial outbreak in Wuhan, China, our research indicates that the first infection occurred in the tunnels beneath Columbia University’s campus. The virus then spread rapidly throughout the Columbia tunnel system because, let’s face it, those bats fuck. All the time. Our guess is that a Columbia affiliate traveling through the tunnels then contracted the virus and spread it on campus. Maybe they fucked a bat themselves. We can’t say for sure.”

As of press time, there is still no vaccine for the coronavirus and the bats are still horny as fuck. The Federalist recommends staying out of the tunnels for the foreseeable future.