The Federalist’s 2020 Halloween Costume Recommendations By Lauren Unterberger

The Federalist’s 2020 Halloween Costume Recommendations

By Lauren Unterberger, proud rewards card-holder at Spirit Halloween

Artwork by Jules Michaud

Artwork by Jules Michaud

With Halloween just around the corner, The Federalist has assembled a list of topically sexy and sexily topical costumes to spice up the screen on your pathetic Halloween Zoom party.* Keep reading for a list of this year’s hottest Halloween looks.

  1. Sexy Absentee Ballot Envelope

    There’s nothing sexier than tonguing that girthy, prepaid envelope containing your civic duty. Who cares that we’re in a pandemic? These ballots are so alluring, we can’t resist! Turn some heads this Halloween by dressing as a sexy absentee ballot. You’ll look so hot, Donny Boy will accuse you of voter fraud.

  2. NSOP Orientation Leader Asking For An Ice Breaker

    What are my name, pronouns, and Hogwarts house? I can’t answer because I’m so scared of your costume!

  3. Sexy Sourdough Starter

    This costume is definitely hands-on. If you dress as a sourdough starter, everyone will want a piece of you! Sourdough bread is made by the fermentation of dough using naturally occurring lactobacilli and yeast. But wearing this costume, everyone will want to lactoba-chill-i with you from west to y-east!

  4. Couples Costume: Fly and Mike Pence**

    Everyone will love your costume because god knows no one else will think of it! 

  5. Columbia’s Spring Housing Plan

    We don’t need to explain why this is the most terrifying thing on the list.

  6. Your iPhone Screen Time Daily Average

    Weren’t you bragging just last week about how you watched The Social Dilemma and were off social media? Yeah, that worked well until you got a late night snap from Chad and it all fell apart. This Halloween, dress up as your screen time average and proudly show the word that you’re Zuck’s bitch.

  7. Handmaid

    You might as well get ahead of the curve and get used to this outfit, since we’ll all be wearing it in a few months. Frightening indeed.

  8. You, with bangs

    Extra points if you carry the hair you chopped off in your fist all night as a manifestation of your regret. (Google “Jaden Smith Met Gala 2017” for some inspo.)

*If The Federalist catches you at an in-person Halloween Party, much like LBJ to JFK, we will be responsible for your death.

**The manufacturers of this costume are currently being sued by Mike Pence for implying that he could ever be in a relationship with anyone besides his wife. On this, the Fly commented “As if!”